Tumbling, tumbling

Well, I have a serious post today.

On New Year's Eve, I had a blog post scheduled to go describing my Top 15 of 2010, but scratched it because one of the things on the list I wasn't really ready to talk about, and that was #15, Getting Pregnant. Anyone who's been keeping up with this blog (or me in general) knows that I ended up miscarrying, and to this day I'm not over that sad event. It was so hard, especially in January (my due date had been 1/1/11) to see friends who conceived around the same time I did to have their babies arrive healthy and problem free. I'm very happy for them, but I can't pretend it didn't make me feel lonely.

Now, I wasn't all gripes and rainstorms last month. I had some things I was set on doing to stay positive and keep happy, like my new camera, my new watercolors, and a sneaky art project. But then something happened: I got pregnant again.

Was I planning on waiting to announce this? Yes. Last time I regretted announcing so early only to have to retract the statement, but you know what? By coming out in the open with my pregnancy and my miscarriage, I got a lot of love and support from people who would have otherwise been in the dark. And that support made such a difference.

So, I'm announcing it now. Besides, it's harder for me to hide being pregnant this time around. I've been sick as a dog - nausea, nausea, nausea - and missing work and my RS duties - both have been wonderful and understanding in the matter, but nonetheless, the cat's out of the bag when you're green in the face, not taking any medicine, and refusing the chicken soup that's brought to you.

I guess I just want you all along with me for the ride, no matter what happens. Perhaps I'll post the Top 15 of 2010 later this week . . . now that we're 2 months in to 2011's #1.

Why I've been gone

I think it's about time I posted on what's been going on.

These past two weeks have been the hardest of my life, and I mean that in all seriousness. I miscarried my baby, my precious baby. I know in a previous post I wrote about my fears of having a child, but never, never, never did I want this to be the remedy. And I never thought this would happen, not for a second. It never once occurred to me that anything would go wrong. After my trip to Philadelphia, I was so excited for our first ultrasound, only to find that my poor child had no heartbeat and had passed away about the same time I announced my pregnancy.

I feel like a fool for ever posting about my pregnancy online so soon, or at all. I should have used more caution, I should have at least considered the possibility of such a sad thing happening and how heart-wrenching and embarrassing it would be to have to post the worst of all retractions.

So, I thought you should all know what's been going on.

Though this time has been hard, Seve and I have been so blessed by everyone around us. I don't write much about my faith in here, and I regret that. I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, and my fellow Saints have done so much to help me. Many of them didn't even know what was going on, just that something had happened and they were more than willing to offer their help, their time, and their efforts to ensure I was okay.

My boss and coworkers have been amazing. My family has called me everyday. My friends have stopped by to check up on me. My husband has held me while I've cried.

Not once have I felt alone and not once have I been angry at God. I will always love this baby and I will always miss it, and the Gospel gives me the hope and understanding I need to persevere.