Eyes caught careless

I've been having the strange experience of receiving resumes from people older than me for a position to be, well, my assistant (not my personal assistant, but to me and my supervisor). Not only am I significantly younger than these applicants, but I'm very small and petite. I hope they don't balk at me when I interview them. We're also looking to hire writers and marketers for a new venture we're experimenting with, and again, all the applicants are older than me. And this particular venture is something I'm in charge of hiring for, so here's to hoping I'll be respected as a "boss" despite my size and age.

If you haven't yet listened to The Decemberists Yankee Bayonet (I Will Be Home Then) I highly recommend you do so now. This is my favorite song from their catalog of work, and lately I've been tempted to suggest their album The Hazards of Love as the next venture of the book club I'm a part of. Think they'll go for it?

Time for a normal post

So many good things have been going on that I've failed to write about, for reasons you're now all aware of. My birthday came and went, and Seve's is just around the corner. Had some really nice visits with friends. At some point I need to write about my awesome trip to Philadelphia.

Went camping this weekend, went longboarding for the first time in 2 months last night, and I read the Twilight books while sick during my days off (who knew you could write a whole series based on sexual tension? And get NO satisfying sex scene at the end? Not that I wanted heaving bosoms or to read the word "shaft," but come on: feathers? Really?) I actually really enjoyed my time reading the books, and will accept all criticism I receive for saying that. Anyone want to see Twilight 3: Secret of the Ooze with me?

I've got so much going on at work it's hard to keep up, but I'm feeling really good. The days are beautiful and summer is finally here. My brother-in-law is in town, Seve's play is in production (comment if you've seen his hair . . . or lack thereof) and I've got a two week vacation at the end of next month to look forward to.

I'm not going to pretend that I don't still feel troubled and sullen when I'm by myself with my thoughts, but I'd just like to say that I'm doing well. Thank you for all your kind comments. You guys, those I'm close with and those I've only made the acquaintance of, have been so, well, good to me. Thank you.

Why I've been gone

I think it's about time I posted on what's been going on.

These past two weeks have been the hardest of my life, and I mean that in all seriousness. I miscarried my baby, my precious baby. I know in a previous post I wrote about my fears of having a child, but never, never, never did I want this to be the remedy. And I never thought this would happen, not for a second. It never once occurred to me that anything would go wrong. After my trip to Philadelphia, I was so excited for our first ultrasound, only to find that my poor child had no heartbeat and had passed away about the same time I announced my pregnancy.

I feel like a fool for ever posting about my pregnancy online so soon, or at all. I should have used more caution, I should have at least considered the possibility of such a sad thing happening and how heart-wrenching and embarrassing it would be to have to post the worst of all retractions.

So, I thought you should all know what's been going on.

Though this time has been hard, Seve and I have been so blessed by everyone around us. I don't write much about my faith in here, and I regret that. I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, and my fellow Saints have done so much to help me. Many of them didn't even know what was going on, just that something had happened and they were more than willing to offer their help, their time, and their efforts to ensure I was okay.

My boss and coworkers have been amazing. My family has called me everyday. My friends have stopped by to check up on me. My husband has held me while I've cried.

Not once have I felt alone and not once have I been angry at God. I will always love this baby and I will always miss it, and the Gospel gives me the hope and understanding I need to persevere.

Drifting

This week has felt so sleepy and dizzy. I find myself falling asleep earlier and earlier each night. I knew pregnancy often made women feel exhausted, but I didn't think I'd feel this exhausted, or sick, all the time.

I have my first business trip next week! I'll be conducting interviews and writing case studies, and hopefully feeling better since I'll be up and about rather than sitting at a computer all day. As sick as I feel, getting up and moving really helps . . . but sleeping feels really nice too. We're headed east, and as much as I'd like to get out on the town each night after work, I can easily see myself spending my nights crashing in my hotel room and trying my best to keep dinner down . . .

Got all my stars aligned

A big THANKS to everyone who wished me congratulations and kind words about my previous "oh gosh I'm pregnant" post! Now that you're all in the know, I feel I can truly state my feelings on the matter.

I'm terrified to be pregnant. This wasn't planned. Sure, Seve and I joked about trying and every once in a while I'd see baby related items and get a little spark of excitement thinking how cool it'd be to have a kid. Gosh, I even bought a baby hat and coat some many odd weeks ago because I thought they were totally cool and didn't want to pass them up. But I stowed them away in the closet thinking I'd pull them out sometime after Seve graduated, when we were originally planning on having kids. Now that this reality is suddenly upon us, I'm scared.

Luckily, the majority of my friends understand how I feel, and my family's excitement over the matter has helped to make it exciting for me. And I really don't have any reason to be scared. I have a good job with good insurance. We have family who love and support us. It's not like I'm Juno or anything.

To be honest, I don't even feel pregnant yet - I just feel sick! So, so, so sick. Nauseous and pukey and heartburn and sick. It doesn't feel like I'm carrying some future bundle of joy, just some new type of flu. Everything I eat looks, smells, and sounds disgusting. I took the last two days off work because I just couldn't function, and well, because yesterday was my birthday. Seve stayed home with me yesterday, taking the day off classes and convincing me to get out of the house. We took a nice walk around town , and it did actually help me to feel better.

He also surprised me with a new mp3 player for our car! AND guess what arrived in the mail? And guess who can't ride (well, slide) it because of new circumstances?

Boo, boo, boo. Maybe once morning sickness leaves me alone, I'll start to get excited. And maybe once I get my first ultrasound, it'll start to feel real. But for now, boo.

By the way, my due date is 1/1/11. And my cousin recently found out she's pregnant as well, and her due date is 1/11/11. I told her our stars were aligned.

Well guys, I have some news.