QotD: My Biggest Fear

What is your deepest, darkest fear?
Submitted by [Susan].

Abandoned and drowning in the dark, cold open sea. At night. Sharks.
Or if you mean my deepest emotional fear, I would say abandonment in general.

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Poems: I wrote them

"She is not a python" by Sleater

She is
not
a python

"She is not a python #2" by Sleater

She is
not
a python
And she will play with the pythons no more

"Venom" by Sleater

Their venom stung
dug
deep
And it was not sweet

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This should be easier

This is my favorite blog. I'm not too crazy about the look of it, but I enjoy writing in it the most.

A new semester has started and I find myself restless. It's sad that I haven't graduated yet, but what else can I expect after taking a year off and going to China? I feel good in my degree and career path, I'll be heading to New York soon for an internship expedition with Random House, and I'll be in Portland soon for my cousin's graduation. I can't wait to see everyone again, even though it will only be for a weekend.

Things have been crazy. After much prayer and deliberation, I'm going to cut parts of my life out. My scissors are ready to go, I just need to get my courage up. I never thought I would run into this problem in Rexburg, Idaho. Or any part of Idaho, for that matter.

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Let's get some models for wives

Long time no write! I've been experimenting with a few blogs lately, but none seem to stick with me. I remembered this one and thought I'd give it a go. And my keyboard is magically working again so the task of typing isn't so hazardous to my health.

What can I say? I'm back from China, I've got a new hairdo, I'm back at Rexburg, I've got a new Gwen-inspired layout (guilt-free, I might add) and I've been dating like crazy. I only mention that because my first year here I dated zero-zip after my broken engagement, but now I'm back on my two romantic feet. I made a resolution to date more this year and so far it's gone a little too well. I'm off the dating deep-end and getting sick of it. I just want to find my one and only and stick with him. Though a free meal every weekend has had its perks.

Oh, and how was China? How can I summarize an entire five months in a single sentence? How about "Dang, this sleeper bus got no shocks," or "I just ate an entire dog," or "You mean you have five kids?" or "Jerry, stop it!" I taught English, remember? It's my kids I miss the most.

In Mormon news, I got my temple recommend and have made it a goal to attend once a week. I've made a lot of goals this year and have actually stuck with them. Crazy, huh? Usually they slide right out from under me after two weeks, but so far, life is sweet and looking up in the beautiful dedication I've discovered I can manage.

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I Feel It All

Well, I haven't written in here in a long time. I can never keep a blog going, sorry about that. Well, here are some updates: my sister is getting married to the wonderful Michael King, who I can't wait to have as a brother-in-law. She's kind of planning this whole wedding in a rush because I'll be leaving for China soon (thanks Jaclyn!) I'll be there for five months, teaching English. I think I mentioned this in a previous post. I'm in Texas right now, a place that I've really come to despise. That's such a nasty thing to say, I know, and it has nothing to do with the people here, or that Bush is from here. It's just so ugly; I miss the green, the wet, the gray, the murky shower drain that is the Pacific Northwest. Even going to school in Idaho is beggining to do me in. China should do me some good. I can't wait to go to China.

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Good day, sunshine

Weber State has accepted my story at their National Undergraduate Literature Convention! I'll be a featured guest speaker and my story will be published in their lit mag, Metaphor Magazine. Yeah! And I'll be in New York exactly one month from now. Yeah!

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Family of tiny little moments

After watching the entire fourth season of Scrubs with my roommates (laundry day), I developed a crush on Zach Braff. So, today I rented The Last Kiss. I feel depressed and have abandoned all hopes for a stable relationship in the future. I know that sounds exaggerated, but the film really depressed me, even after the "resolved" ending.

While I struggle with my religion, this past week has brought me closer to it. After that movie, it made me happy to know I'm in a religion, and, well, culture that puts a good emphasis on marriage and relationships. I've been feeling terrible about my Mormon status, but after my "year off," and my engagement that didn't work out . . . well, I am back here in school, my Mormon school, and Ben and I didn't get married because I'm Mormon, because I wanted to marry in the temple, to a Mormon. I've been a ridiculous rebel, too bad for the Mormons and too good for the rest. But maybe I'm finally coming closer to the things I've always wanted, inching towards actually being a good person.

When I say I'm glad to be in my faith for its emphasis on marriage, I don't mean that other faiths and cultures don't have that same emphasis, and I don't mean to say that I've always enjoyed that emphasis. It's a joke at my school that everyone gets married so young, a flaw in Mormon culture that everyone teases but can't wait to engage in (haha, engage). But we do believe in eternal marriage; that it's something so sacred and the one thing we should seek for in this life. It's a hoplessly romantic notion, but I believe in it, I do. And whether or not I'm right, whether or no it's true, I don't know, but I want to be with someone who believes in it too. Wouldn't it be nice to know that someone geniunly wants to be with you forever?

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